Are you getting stares?

[sdp126]

Women are so much better at expressing acknowledgement when you've lost weight. Male acquaintances - not so much.

I work as a student aide at my college (hilarious at 42) with all men. When I started there in January, I was 228 and wore track pants and baggy t-shirts (yeah, glamorous).

I look drastically different now, and wear better fitting clothes (still modest), and the guys NEVER comment about the change (they don't know what to say), which is cool.

However, this one guy who lives to irritate me, was blatantly STARING at me while I was working on something with him yesterday. It was so rude, I had to move behind the desk. I know he wasn't being lewd, because I'm a long way from being "hot". It was simply rude.

That got me thinking of what it will be like to handle the issue of, one day when I get to my goal (or close to it), being noticed by the opposite gender. It's a little unsettling.

It would be okay for a stranger to notice, but how to deal with male friends and acquaintances who will possibly see me in a different light? The last time I lost a lot of weight, I dealt with a little of this at church (ick).

Do most of you look forward to this? Or is there anyone who is a little unsure or uncomfortable with how to deal with this?

I've never had to worry about how I interacted with men as a fat woman. I never had to worry about sending the wrong signal.

Have any of you who lost a lot of weight had to rethink how you interact with the opposite gender (or same gender - depending on attraction)?

Thanks,

Suzanne

[alabama]

oh my goodness!!! I am so glad that you brought this up!

I hate all the attention from people now. I don't know how much I have lost, but even my boss(who is male) said in front of another male, "isn't she foxy??!!" I literally almost threw up. I don't like all the "oh my, how much weight have you lost? why are you not eating? here, eat one bite of cake? what are you having for lunch, a piece of spinach...blah blah blah??" sorry, can you feel the frustration??! just don't have lots of people to talk about this with as they don't really understand.
On a side note, I have not been overweight my whole life(I was actually struggling with anorexia for about 5 years-talk about STARES!!!) So when I did become overweight, due to a messed up thyroid and metabolism, I was no longer getting that attention from the opposite ***. It devastated me...so I thought! I thought I truly missed it! Like a piece of ME was gone; like when I gained weight, I was unworthy of being loved. this was something the Lord had to deal with me on...and is still dealing with me. I would NEVER look at anyone else and think that, ONLY about myself.
I think this is realizing that it's truly about who we are and not being looked at as a "piece of meat"; but really respected for the person that we are...overweight or not! When you step into loving yourself for YOU and cherishing who you were made to be, the exterior "extra fat" that we have hidden ourself behind will be removed. And then, we must walk in a truer confidence of who we are and accept the love we do deserve and also love ourself because without that we can't love others, including God.

Anyway, I am sorry for rambling!!! What I wanted to say was really to remind myself that even though it's scary, it's totally worth it. YOU, Suzanne, deserve to be healthy and happy no matter how people look at you! Hope that makes a little bit of sense??!!!

[sdp126]

I does make sense alabama. I guess it's something I hadn't thought about.

I like that people are happy for me, but discretion is appreciated. I'm not sure I want the kind of attention and scrutiny you are describing, and I'm experiencing.

It's just an adjustment that I'll have to work on.

I'm debating on how to handle the guy I work with. He's regular staff and I'm a student aide, but I'm older than him. Luckily for him, when he was sitting in a chair WATCHING me/examining me (ick), our boss was there or I would have made a comment that "my mother taught me that staring is RUDE." I know our boss would be pissed at him since this guy has practically been hazing me since I started (he gets a kick out of asking me to do the most menial tasks, hoping I'll get mad. He even made me carry a 12 foot ladder (no problem - I'm strong) while he carried a little box for a project we had to do. His aim - to irritate me. I carried it without complaint. He doesn't do this to the male student aides ~ I'm the only female).

Next time I catch him doing it, I'm going to confront him. He really lacks vital social graces and is very very juvenile.

Thanks for the encouragement alabama!!!

Suzanne

[Tracy0108]

Sometimes you just have to ignore how men behave; they are not the most tactful bunch. I noticed in the past when I was thinner that I got the lewd and rude comments more often but I was single at the time and newly divorced so I was probably looking for the attention. I don't notice it now, even though my husband says I get looked at and stared at all the time. I just don't open myself up to it. I did that in the past and it got me in trouble. I had to quit 2 jobs due to harassment from male co-workers, as opposed to pressing charges, just because I was being nice to them, no flirting, nothing to insinuate I was interested. It is really sad too because I valued their friendship and even became friends with their wives. You will get both positive and inappropriate attention, you just have to brush off the bad and ignore the idiots. Once you are able to separate the different types of attention you will learn not to react to or become bothered by the inappropriateness and you will start to treasure the positive attention you will receive.

[Tracy0108]

Suzanne - you should totally say something to him, especially if you are uncomfortable with his behavior. And if you boss is standing there to witness it, even better. He sounds like the type that gets a kick out of harrassing women.

[4MAMA]

Suzanne, let your boss know asap that your co-workers inappropriate glances are absolutely unacceptable! You need to document his actions before it goes too far. Who knows how many other women have felt this way. Most likely he has done this before, and everywhere else. Men like him never learn the easy way, nor will they change by your silence. It only reinforces that he can continue behaving like a pig and feels empowered by your hesitation to act. He has demonstrated on numerous occasions his lack of respect for you. you are far too worthy to allow yourself to be treated improperly!!!!

Unfortunately women need to almost be on the more "aggressive" approach even with innocent men because sometimes our niceness gets taken the wrong way!!!(make any sense??)

Keep up the tremendous job sticking to the diet, and taking care of your appearance. Do it now while you can enjoy the fashions!

Remind your husband too that he's getting a new and improved wife! After all, he stood by your side at every weight!!! Men need constant reassuring, just like us but in a different amounts!!

One last bit of advice:pray. Pray that the situation before you is handed over to God. Let go...and let God.

Best wishes,

K

[sdp126]

4MAMA and Tracey,

Your advice is valuable and appreciated.

I think this guy is clueless - lacking social graces. But, I'm not making excuses for him. I talked to our boss about the "hazing" when I started and I think he's spoken to this guy and he's acting differently, now.

I am convinced it's one of two things: He's startled by the dramatic weight loss and rudely examined me, or he's trying to irritate me (cuz he thinks it's funny). Either way, he's insensitive and lacking social skills.

If I'm honest with him, I think the behavior will change because there has already been a discussion about the "hazing" in front of our boss and the BOSS was NOT happy and told my coworker how much trouble he would be in (lose his job), if he was singling me out to give a hard time to (hazing).

I work again today ~ we'll see how things go.

Suzanne

[PhyllisRis]

Suzanne....I bet you're correct about this guy! Just be blunt with him and tell him how you feel. Even point out to him that if his rude behavior doesn't change and he cannot work with you as an equal that you'll bring it to the attention of your superiors. THEN if it doesn't improve bring it to your boss' attention.
I, too, have been getting NUMEROUS comments. I mentioned previously in this forum that at times I feel like a show pony! Mostly I think people are just totally happy for me in losing the weight and they are proud of me! It ranks right up there, though, with when you're about a month away from your due date when you're pregnant and people keep asking "when are you due?"....I always wanted to wear a sign with my due date on it!!! smile....
I, too, have been thinking about the advances by members of the opposite *** that may begin happening the closer I get to goal. I've NEVER had to deal with those before and I may have a hard time dealing with this! AND...I've NEVER EVER considered myself sexy!!!
AND...to make matters worse, I'm having to wear my wedding ring on my index finger and it's getting loose there, too. Guess I'll have to start wrapping it with duct tape and put it back on my ring finger again (I don't want to get it re-sized/re-set until I reach goal) so guys don't get the wrong idea.
So...any words of advice in handling the opposite *** sort of thing would be greatly appreciated.
Phyllis

[4MAMA]

Oh my, so sorry Suzanne if I sounded so alarming! If it's just his "social ineptness" your concerned about, I'm sure you can handle it. As a mother of 4-2 girls, 2 boys the matter of respecting the opposite gender is a very important rule we "try" to model in our home.

I'm so amazed by your determination to be treated with respect. Regardless to what size, shape, color, etc... a person is, we are entitled to be treated right.

Have a blessed day!

K

[Just4me]

Suzanne-

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You should say something to him but it would be a good idea to have someone with you either your boss or a representative from Human Resources. I think that it is concerning, since you have already had to address a previous issue with him.

Confrontation is always difficult but just think of all of the women either old or young who will encounter this man.
As women we have to expect respect to get it, which is unfortunate.

We are supporting you{grouphug2}

[schwest]

I too have a hard time with stares and male attention. I realized that alot of my self sabatoge on my past diets was because my weight loss caused alot of attention. While I love being noticed, I hate guys staring and comments. Since I hate being the center of attention, it caused a lot of stress. I'm hoping that I realize my "trigger" to self sabatoge and get past it. I'm glad to read there are others out that feel the same way. Good luck with confronting the employee and the stares.

[PhyllisRis]

Andrea....the first step to recovery is admitting what triggers you!! And....you've done that....you know that you don't like being the center of attention. My advice is when someone starts eyeing you or making comments to just totally change the subject and divert them away from you. BUT....every so often you should revel in the admiration and attention....YOU DESERVE IT...YOU'VE EARNED IT! (but I know, sometimes it gets tiresome). Is this what supermodels have to deal with all the time??????
LOL...
Phyllis

[sdp126]

Well, I had a talk with him yesterday.

I told him I didn't want him to get the wrong impression (in other words, I tried to give him an out by framing his stares as an observation of my startling weight loss and not something lewd or sexual), that I understood how shocking it might be that I've lost a bunch of weight so quickly (I'm fully aware that I'm still a pudgy mom and not a hottie), but his stares make me feel uncomfortable.

You'll never believe what he said: "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I can't tell you've lost much weight at all."

To that (I think he was trying to hurt my feelings or defend himself by making me seem delusional), I said, "Good. Because none of the guys in the office has said a word and that's how I like it. I'd rather that no one make a comment or take notice. It's not something I feel comfortable with."

He's an ass because it is OBVIOUS I've lost a lot because (I don't have my inches yet) it looks like I've lost more than 23.5 pounds. I've probably lost 6 or more inches off my stomach alone.

Anyway, we talked about how he tries to intimidate me and irritate me by rubbing it in that I'm a peon student aide. I told him "I get it. You're regular staff, I'm a peon. I'm cool with that. Anything I'm asked to do, I do it without complaint. I just don't like the way you order me around and sometimes just motion for me to go with you instead of speaking. It's rude. I'm older than you, a mother of 3. As a human being, I deserve to be treated a certain way - not like a servant. But there isn't a task that is too menial for me to do, just ask me to do it like you would any other peer. Because, socially, we are peers ~ I'm not an 18 yr old kid."

He defended himself, but also said that if he does it again, point it out. I told him that the cue words will be "There it is; you're doing it now."

So, I'm fine with him agreeing to try to do better and being open to me pointing out the behavior, even if he wouldn't admit what he's been doing so far.

Suzanne

[PhyllisRis]

Good job Suzanne...you handled that situation beautifully....with dignity and class!
Phyllis

[Just4me]

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You rock :0)

[sdp126]

JustforMe: :bighug:

Suzanne

[2Bslim]

Phyllis,
I noticed your comment about your wedding ring being too big.... I remember when I was expecting and it became too small....a nd I didn't want to go out without it, I hung it on my gold chain and made sure that it showed! It is a little more noticeable right under your face sometimes too! You could always put masking tape around your ring finger and write "see ring around the collar!" for those that my wonder! :party1:

[PhyllisRis]

I think I'm going to go to a nice jewelry store in Ann Arbor and ask them for an inexpensive ring sizing "thing" and point out to them that once I'm finished with my weightloss I'll be returning to them to either re-size my ring or totally re-design it which will mean bigger bucks. I think they should take good care of me, if they are serious about customer service....IF they aren't accomodating then I may have to take my business elsewhere......
Phyllis

[Shasha]

{hi} there Suzanne

You hit a bit of a sensitive nerve in your thread, for many Diet Buddies about the Mr Rude who has been challenging your joy… clearly all your Diet Buddies were behind you on this one!

I’m sure – and, I for one will tell you is that many ladies also HATE the male attention that comes along with being slim. We don’t appreciate gawking stares or sexy comments and many of us still find these rather degrading, we are not show ponies or cows… we are people!

I personally have a present for the rude “guy” who lives to irritate you: {pan} any real man would have carried the heavy stuff – but clearly he just doesn’t have it in him to be kind or considerate, I pity the woman who marries him, seems he's a real waste of oxygen! But, you dealt with him good! And hey, he probably was too self-absorbed to notice the changes in you!!

I am of the opinion that anyone who ignored you previously and who is suddenly interested because you are now looking better is not worth the time of day. You may want to remind them that you are still the same person on the inside… where it counted all along!

Yes, being fat is “safe” – but, at the same time being fat is an unhealthy bondage. Us ladies should never let other peoples opinions / dirty minds or words influence us – it doesn’t matter what they think! If someone is rude, it is a shortcoming in them – it’s not about you – you just happen to be in the way of their normal rude behavior.

I recommend that you either ignore or try to avoid people who make you feel uncomfortable - what counts is that you are happy and healthy and I agree, you deserve it!! :bighug:

[Shasha]

{hi} there Alabama

I agree 100% with you – we are not just a "piece of meat" – but every person is a special and unique creation! We must learn to love and value ourselves MORE... and we must never let anyone treat us without the respect we deserve! {cheerleader}

[Shasha]

{hi} there Tracy

It’s funny that your husband says that “I get looked at and stared at all the time” – I guess it makes him even more proud of having you as his lovely wife! :love5:

Seems someone is going to get a big dog or a hunting rifle :elmer: to protect his beautiful bride! as long as he doesn’t lock you up in a tower, I’m happy… :flirt:

[Shasha]

{hi} there Phyllis

I can just see you with a message on your T-Shirt this coming summer, saying:


THIS SEXY HOT BABE IS TAKEN!


- just kidding… I hope you get sorted at the jeweler!

{rofl} at the thought that we need to protect ourselves with our wedding rings!!! I mean, even if you were single – it doesn’t make you DESPIRATE – I mean you would not jump into the arms of the first thing that came your way!!!

You are too beautiful to be that despirate!! :love7:

[Shasha]

{hi} there 2Bslim


Wearing your wedding ring around your neck when your fingers become too small
is such a great idea!!!! :clapping3: :clapping3::clapping3:

[MrEd]

I’m sure – and, I for one will tell you is that many ladies also HATE the male attention that comes along with being slim. We don’t appreciate gawking stares or sexy comments and many of us still find these rather degrading, we are not show ponies or cows… we are people!



Here is that Mars and Venus thing......I want to be a show pony (and not just name lol) I cant wait till poolside and I get that look of wow instead of eeewwww.

ok, not really a show pony, but........not the mule anymore either :) The points made in these posts are not lost on me also. I do understand and appreciate them.

[Shasha]

{hi} there MrED

This may come as a surprise, but I’ve heard this one before – men wanting to be ogled! :flirt:

The theory I remember goes something like this:

It has something to do with a yearning for something new and exciting… for the ladies, we are use to people noticing our appearance – we get a new outfit, our friends notice, we change our hairdo and we get compliments, we get looks, stares and even whistles – partially because, us girls just compliment each other much more easily… we hear often how great we look and so we get a bit tired of this same old same old… We end up feeling that we want to be appreciated for who we are – our minds are more important than our… bo… BODIES!

Most men grow up being appreciated for their smart minds, how well they achieve, how much they have or what problems they solve - but men seldom receive any compliments on their physic – so they kinda crave it… Guys don’t go to the office and tell each other “nice hair cut” or “that suite looks good on you” – woman are also a bit scared to compliment guys for fear of them taking it the wrong way… even if it's someone we love, we may be tempted to think: Don't want him getting a big head!

So Ladies: learn from this: if you want to keep your man happy, compliment him everyday, including compliments on his physic – tell him what you love about him and guys, remember there is a whole lot more to us than simply what meets the eye!

MrED, must say, I really :love4: your sence of humour... and I'm sure you're going to be a real WOW STALLION by the time you're done!!! :rolling2: