Joke of the Day

[PhyllisRis]

Here's a joke a friend of mine sent.....glad we aren't doing THIS diet!!! :)

Don't ask a retiree a dumb question. The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mei Mei]

Phyllis,
That is priceless. I almost had a heart attack. Well, at least I laughed really hard, so did my kids. I also forwarded it to my mom, who is retired. Whe will forward it to her retired community. They will love it. Thanks for the gigantic belly laugh!
Mary

[Hugentobler]

Thank you for the laugh. I'm going to share it with my fellow teachers.

[srwood]

That is priceless! I probably would have said the same thing but not as whitty! Did she believe you :)

Suzanne

[PhyllisRis]

this was an Internet joke....it didn't happen to me! I wouldn't have been able to dream up such a good story on the spot.....LATER I might have thought of it, but not on the spot.
Pretty funny none the less...
Phyllis

[srwood]

Duh! So sorry :) Too much reading earlier.

Suzanne

[Rachinnj]

Hope this will give you a chuckle, have a good day!!
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of aMacy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.' Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills!
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[PhyllisRis]

My favorite is the German bra!!!! That's a great funny!
Phyllis

[MIMI]

Phyllis and Rach, your jokes are hillarious, still laughing, keep it up these will bring tears of laughter to all our eyes. :love8: MIMI

[Rachinnj]

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

=========================
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command:
"http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and
don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[PhyllisRis]

Here's one to start the school year out:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving*at*
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place*
where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'*

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'*

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful*
to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor*
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching*
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'*

She looks into his eyes and says calmly.......... 'No, I'm your son's*
teacher.'

[PhyllisRis]

Enjoy!!

[PhyllisRis]

Here's another one....

[bean picker]

Phyllis -

Thank you for sharing that! It really made me laugh, when I needed a good laugh.

Congratulations on all of your progress, you have done an amazing job!! Keep it up!

Colleen